Semester 1: Good, Good Father.

When people ask me how college is, I am often at a loss for words on how to respond. I usually muster up the typical, "It's great!", or if I am feeling a little less enthusiastic that day, your average, "it's good!" Why am I at a loss for words to respond, you ask? Because college has been many more things than just good and great. It has been challenging, difficult, fun, exciting, exhausting, exhilarating, frustrating, hilarious, and pretty much every adjective you can think of. For some reason, I--and probably many other high schools seniors--had painted a picture in my mind of what college would be like. It would be the place where I instantly meet my life-long best friends, it would be fun almost all the time, except for doing like an hour or two of homework a day, right? It would be "the best years of my life" as many people say. It would mean late night food runs, all nighters, netflix binging, "adventures", and crazy, good times...right? Well actually, (and I'm sorry to burst your bubble if you are a high school senior and still believe this) college is much more than that. And it is often times not that. Though there are many fun times--including the "Just Dance" party I had with my friends about an hour ago to take a break from studying--but, there are also challenging times.

When I finished high school, I had become a person who was known. Attending a school of only 400 or so students, being known was not very hard to accomplish. But by the time I was a senior, I had become very well known. I was on student council, led worship for chapel, and had just about every teacher in the entire school. I was outgoing and loud, always screaming/yelling/cheering more than I should have at school sporting events. This meant that any time I walked through a hallway and passed someone, I not only knew them, but they knew me. Anytime my name was mentioned, no one wondered, "wait, who is that again?"

I had gotten used to my status in life, by worldly standards. 

However, stepping into college changed this. I knew this would happen, as I decided to go to NNU in a  single day, and didn't know a soul. However, I figured I would easily climb back up my ladder of leadership, success, and importance in just a few months and have the same status as I did in high school. When I realized I went to a school of over 2,000 people, was a lowly freshman again, and now knew only a few handfuls of people, I knew this wouldn't be as easy as I thought. I auditioned for worship team which I have the privilege of participating in about every other week. I absolutely love leading worship and am thankful for my abilities to play piano and use the talents God has given me to bring Him glory, but I am going to be honest with you...a little voice in the back of my head said, "Yeah that's great and all, and you should definitely do worship...but also, if you are up on stage, then certainly people will know you then!"...pretty pathetic, right? After my first few times leading songs, people approached me and complimented me, or asked who I was. But I realized that still wasn't going to be enough to become known (in my sense of the word) by the entire school and faculty like I had been at my previous school. Press pause on that story for a minute.

In January of this year, I attended a new church service with my then, "friend", and now, wonderful boyfriend. I was nervous beyond belief as I wanted to do everything in my power to impress him. I was so nervous that I could hardly stand and sing during worship without trembling and worrying about how good or bad my voice sounded, or how "worshipful" my posture looked. (I know, I know, I am completely ridiculous, I am very aware of that). While I continued to have what some would label "a nervous/anxious wreck", the worship leader began a song called, "Good, Good Father". At this church, they sang some songs I didn't know, but most of them were familiar and engrained in my mind. When this new song came on, I instantly began to feel a little less nervous. As the verses began I started to reflect on the words. "You're a good, good father. It's who you are; it's who you are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am; it's who I am." I began to feel at peace as I continued to sing. From that day, this song has been one of my favorites.

When I started NNU, I had many moments of fear and doubt. I had uprooted my previous plans in order to follow where God had called me to go, but other than that, I had pretty much no friends, no direction, and no idea what I was supposed to do at NNU. Often times, when I was praying, I found myself continually coming back to this song. When I was at a loss for words to pray, I would begin singing,"You're a good, good father. It's who you are; it's who you are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am; it's who I am." Countless times, I have come back to this. No matter what my fears are, no matter how alone, confused, or disappointed I am feeling, God is a good, good father, and I am loved by Him.

It wasn't until just tonight that I realized there was so much more depth and meaning to this song that I was missing. For our weekly student-led service, we had a night of worship. If you know me, then you know that having an all-worship anything makes me happier than happy gets...especially in the midst of dreading finishing this semester and hoping Christmas would come already! The leader began playing, and on the projector, the lyrics to "Good, Good Father" appeared. I had to physically hold myself back from shouting a "YES!" of exclamation that my favorite song was being played to begin the evening of worship. I began singing with a happy heart, not spending much time to reflect on the lyrics, as I already had them fully memorized. Afterwards, we sang many other songs that I also love.  Through these songs, I was praying to God that he would refresh my weary soul that wanted to give up....my discouraged attitude that still felt a struggle to find a niche at NNU...my fearful heart of feeling this way the rest of college...my wandering mind picturing what college may have been like if I attended SPU...Then, the student ministry leader got up to pray, and requested that we sing, "Good, Good Father" one more time. She said something along the lines of, "I just really feel God pressing on the meaning of this song, and I would really like for us to sing it again and reflect on it." At that moment, I knew God was about give me a response.

"Oh and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide. But I know, we're all searching for answers, only you provide. Cause you know just what we need before we say a word."

As we sang again, it came to me that my feeling of invisibility, my desire to be known, my need for approval from others, didn't matter. "You're a good, good father. It's who you are; it's who you are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am; it's who I am." I am not important because of my status. I am not defined by how involved I am in the choir, if people enjoy when I lead worship, who knows my name and who doesn't, or where I fit into NNU. I am defined by God's love for me. God is a good, good father, and I am loved by Him. It's who I am; it's who I am.  I am not defined by the number of people who know my name. I am not defined by my leadership abilities.

I am defined as a person who is loved because of who I am--a child of God. Wow, doesn't that change things? Through the hard times, through the stressful times, through the questioning of my purpose and my identity, through the worry of my future, through my feelings of unimportance, through my deep desire to be known...I am loved because of who I am, and not because of what I have done or who thinks I am important.

Sure, college is "good", but you know what's better? Learning how you react in new situations, new challenges, and unknown identities. Sure, staying up until 3 AM decorating your door for Christmas is fun, but you know what's better? Waking up knowing that no matter what stresses or fears I have to face that day are taken care of, because I am loved no matter what. Sure, almost hitting a pedestrian in the somewhat sketchy city of Nampa while getting McDonald's at 11 because the food in the Dex was terrible, is exhilarating. But you know what's better? Thinking about the fact that people's praise, opinions, compliments, and criticism actually mean nothing to you.

College has been much different than I had expected, but oddly, in the best way possible. The fun and games become benchwarmers while the real, good stuff is found out on the field of hard questions, unknown futures, and undefined identities. It is the field where some of the best games are won, with the toughest rivalries of doubt and fear fighting against you, but the peace of God scoring the final touchdown. It is also the field where the rivalry is far ahead leaving little hope of winning, which sometimes just means that you put those benchwarmers and best friends in the game to get you through. 

...Now this actually doesn't solve my problem because next time someone asks me, "How is college?" I am still not going to be able to explain exactly everything I have experienced in my 3 months of life here in good old Nampa, Idaho. But I can say, I am loved by the good, good father.  

"Oh it's love so undeniable...I can hardly speak. Peace so unexplainable...I can hardly think, as you call me deeper still into love."

-"Good, Good Father"

Yes, I am a student at NNU!

Can I just begin by saying that God is absolutely amazing? Through these past few days of absolute chaos, the peace and assurance that He continually supplies me with is absolutely incredible. You may have noticed I have recently gone A-wall, or maybe you have already heard that I am going to NNU.

Here is the story behind it all.

If you know me, you know that I have been planning on going to Seattle Pacific University since high school began. I visited my sister, Kendra, countless times in Seattle and fell in love with it. The city, the atmosphere, the landscape, the adventure, and the opportunities available had me fully convinced that was the place for me. There were no questions, no doubts, no need to even look into other colleges, because I loved SPU!

In contrast, throughout my life, especially in recent years, I have absolutely resented NNU. To list just a few reasons why: my parents went there, the kids from my high school went there, it was close to home, and it was in Nampa (I mean come on, who even likes Nampa?!). Needless to say, I had a deeply predetermined idea of what NNU was and why I would never ever go. Words honestly do not explain how much I wanted nothing to do with NNU.  I was going to be the girl who went to college in a cool new city with independent coffee shops, concerts, and endless exploration. I was going to make my college experience an adventure.

Little did I know, the biggest adventure I could ever embark upon was only 11 miles from my house.

As college neared, my uneasiness grew. I know that nervousness and an emotional breakdown or two are totally normal when one is about to have a complete life change, but it was more than that. It was almost as if God was trying to tell me something. When I started to think about all of the things that I could still have if I stayed in the Boise area for college, I realized that NNU may be an option that I needed to look into. My family, an amazing boyfriend that I can't imagine life without, a 9 year old brother, amongst many other things were a few things I could still have if I stayed. This is when I first started an application to NNU. Once I calmed down, I knew that this decision was emotionally driven and I decided not to finish my application. I knew I was only afraid for the life change I was about to face and that SPU was still the place for me.

A couple weeks later, I had one of the same breakdowns which led me to finish and submit my application to NNU. My parents supported the idea of me being nearby but, they dismissed it, thinking that I would not receive any scholarships comparable to the ones I had received at SPU a week before school started. I also had a discussion with my boyfriend who said he would not allow me to stay here and give up my forever dream of going to SPU, as sad that he is to see me go. I had once again been reassured that I needed to go to SPU and that everything was okay.

A week later, my mom received a phone call from an admissions counselor at NNU offering me an even larger scholarship than the one I had at SPU and the door for my entrance into NNU was swung wide open. 

When my parents told me the news, I was angry. I was finally okay with the fact that I was going to SPU no matter how hard it would be or how uneasy I was. Then, this was thrown at me and I was confronted with a choice. I thought about it, but it was still NNU. NNU, the school I would never go to. Finally, I began to open up to the idea when I was again reminded of the things I wouldn't have to lose if I was here. I agreed to tour campus to at least get a feel for the school and see if it was right for me. I walked around large brick buildings while listening to an overly energetic admissions counselor talk about how great NNU was. I cried in front of her AND the chair of the business department as I explained how torn and lost I was.

Even after seeing campus, I still could not picture myself at NNU. I was too prideful to go to the little nazarene school in Nampa. I was too stubborn to let myself give up SPU. I was too embarrassed to tell all of my family and friends that I was attending school at the one place I have always resented. That evening, I went to dinner with my boyfriend and his extremely wise parents. I was presented with questions like, "What are the reasons you want to go to SPU?" and, "Where do you think your faith will grow the most?" Instead of being convinced as to why NNU would be great for me or why SPU would be hard for me, I was being asked what reasons I was choosing a college for. This hit me hard when I began to realize that statements like, "It's in a really cool city with fun areas and things to do," were completely invalid reasons to choose a college. Through this conversation, I was once again convinced to at least give NNU another chance. The next day was move-in day for freshmen. I wasn't sure what I was going to do while hundreds of students with all of their belongings arrived at college and I was directionless, but I went anyways.

I met the RA for the wing of the dorm I would live in if I chose to go to NNU. She was kind and friendly as I cried to her and told her I didn't know where I needed to be. She told me I should walk around campus, talk to a few students, and get a feel for what it was like. I surely wasn't going to talk to any students, but I decided to at least walk around campus. I ended up sitting on a rock outside of the Brandt Center asking God to give me direction. I needed him to either give me a reason to be at NNU or a reason to stay with SPU, and I needed him to make it crystal clear. 

That's when an elderly, 85 year old woman by the name of Telva approached me. 

She asked if I was a student, which led to my (once again) tear-filled explanation of how lost and confused I was. We continued to talk as she mentioned mutual friends and connections that we had. She filled me with unexplainable peace and encouragement. I cannot even recall everything that was said in that conversation, but what I do know, is God sent me His sign. Of course, I was expecting maybe someone to befriend me or an admissions counselor to talk to me. But I never thought in my wildest dreams that God would use an 85 year old woman to speak to me, and that made it even better than I could have imagined. It turns out, her son had just convinced her to volunteer for move in day the previous week ... the same week that I applied to NNU. God had no intention for an elderly woman of 4 feet 5 inches tall to help people move in that day. God had an intention for an elderly woman of 4 feet 5 inches tall to tell me that NNU was the place I needed to be. No matter how hard I fought against it, no matter how large my pride was, no matter how embarrassed I am to admit that I am attending the school I forever disliked, God pursued me relentlessly.

Doors kept swinging wide open throughout that day. 

My sweet Telva walked back into the admissions center after our conversation, and a few minutes later walked back out with the head of the music department. I had told her of my interest in choir and worship, and the director just happened to be standing right in the doorway when she returned. Not only did he speak to me and tell me that I needed to audition, he gave me no choice and set up an audition time for later that day. Once again, God came straight into my face and told me this was where I needed to be. I then visited the girls dorm and cried to all of the RA's explaining my interaction with Telva. The love I felt from the complete strangers around me was overwhelming. Needless to say, many, many tears were shed that day. They weren't tears of confusion or sadness. They were tears of joy and relief that I knew for certain that NNU was where God wanted me to be.

If I didn't know any better, I would say God sent me an angel that day. However, Telva left me a box of cookies and an encouraging note at my dorm door yesterday, so I am beginning to believe that she is pretty real :) The craziest part is that in every moment that I begin to question if this is the right decision or begin to feel afraid, God encourages me. Through random strangers in Target raving about NNU to me, to an unexpected text from a cousin, he has continually, time and time again reassured me in ways I didn't even know were possible. I always wondered how people really, truly know that something is "God's will," for them, but now, I can say I have experienced it in my own life. My world has been turned upside down since four days ago, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Never have I felt so certain that God was speaking directly into my life and using His people to break down my pride and show me what I need to see. Now, NNU isn't just a set of buildings or a school or a religious university in Nampa, Idaho; NNU is a place that God has specifically called me to. I may still think Seattle would be a cool place to live and I may still be shocked that I am actually an NNU student, but I'm pretty certain there is no better place to be than abiding in His will. Welcome home He says, welcome home. 

God is so good. So so so SO GOOD!

Maybe aliens are real.

As I head into my Senior year of high school, I am already overwhelmed by the credits I need to finish, the SAT/ACT scores I need to obtain in order to go to the college of my choice, the annoyance of senior project, finishing summer online classes, worrying about keeping my GPA at a 3.89 (since we all know a 4.0 is actually impossible) and the big one: having absolutely no idea what direction I want to take my life.

And you know what? I'm about to admit it…something I thought I would never say. Something that I thought I was so excited for!

Growing up is hard.

There's a common tweet that always circulates through twitter around the time of graduation each year that reads something like: "How am I supposed to know what I want to do with my life when a week ago I had to raise my hand and ask for permission to go to the bathroom?!" It's pretty funny, yet also ironic because of how true it is. There's so many paths and options…so many life altering and determining choices that are suddenly just sitting right in front of you. Last year at this time, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go to school. But it's pretty easy to know what you want to do... until the time comes to actually start doing it. When it comes time to actually start following through on our previously determined decisions, we often chicken out. We begin to question everything.

Sometimes, I don't think we have to be sure. Sometimes I think it's okay to question. I fully understand that we have to make plans and have direction in life. But if we only ever acted upon what we were completely sure of in life, how much would we actually accomplish?

Sometimes, I think God is just looking down at us saying, "Just trust me. Take a leap. Go for it! If you fall, I'm going to catch you. So what are you so afraid of?"

Earlier this Summer, I was incredibly lucky to be given the opportunity to spend a month serving at a Younglife Camp called Malibu. Younglife is a Christian organization that primarily brings people to Jesus who usually wouldn't step into a church or don't have any Christian background. They draw people in by using fun games, events, having amazing camps, and just straight up loving on people. Growing up in a Christian family and attending a private school, I had heard the name Younglife maybe a few times but never really knew what it was or cared about it. When my friend invited me to club (young life gatherings where you play fun games and get a short talk about Jesus), I went, but thought it was useless because I needed something "deeper".

Later on that year, I was really struggling with friends, life, and altogether happiness. I was hanging out with a friend and she told me how excited she was for Younglife camp coming up the following week. As I listened to her talk about how much fun it was going to be, I thought to myself, 'now that's what I really need right now'. I told her I wished I could go, but I knew the deadline for registration was already months past. That's when she told me she just found out they had one more spot they needed to fill. I called my parents and surely enough, I was off to camp 4 days after that! Camp was a great experience where I met some awesome friends and was really able to gain momentum. I did not want to go home, and told my parents I wish I could've just stayed there forever. That's why I took such  huge interest in Work Crew. Spending a month in an awesome place with cool people who love Jesus sounded pretty cool! A few weeks after the camp high faded, and I had pretty much moved on and forgot about it. I went to club a handful of times the following school year, but wasn't really that involved.

Come winter time, I was thinking about my summer plans and work crew came to my mind again. I wanted to have a month to get away, meet some new people, and spend time reconnecting with God. So, I applied. Without any knowledge of what I was getting myself into, and practically no involvement in young life, I  just felt like I should do it.

God said, "Just trust me. Take a leap. Go for it! If you fall, I'm going to catch you. So what are you so afraid of?" 

And that I did. I walked into a room of 40 strangers, a completely unknown situation, something I thought I would never willingly put myself into. It turned out to be the best month ever lived of my 17 and a half short years of life. Words cannot explain what I experienced during that month, but what I can say, is I stepped into a room, scared and an anxious wreck, knowing absolutely no one. And I can now sit here and say that I left that beautiful place being able to call each and every one of them my family. I can sit here and say that God was far more than just right in telling me to go. It was one of the greatest, most random, insensible leaps of faith I had ever taken. And it turned out to be the best journey yet.

When I look back at life, I realize that all of my greatest experiences and life shaping challenges have come from just taking a leap. They weren't planned out. I didn't contemplate what to do for days on end. They just seemed to happen. If you don't think God had a part in that, then maybe aliens are real, because all I can tell you, is those are moments in life that didn't happen on my own accord. Sometimes, when we are sitting around stressing about life, and college, and decisions, it's important to remind ourselves that what God has in store for us is far better than the plans we can make on our own (no matter how many hours we spend preparing, or contemplating, or researching). Although I still have absolutely no idea where I am headed in life, I am comforted in knowing that God will lead me where I need to be.
                                                                   
                                                                    Proverbs 16:9
                                              In their hearts humans plan their course,
                                                 but the Lord establishes their steps.




P.s. I apologize if you clicked on this blog because you thought I was actually contemplating whether or not aliens existed. I have never really questioned the existence of aliens. I just like fun titles.

Social Media or Social Worth?

This morning, I had the pleasure of actually waking up at a decent time (aka before noon) and enjoying a peaceful morning. Since I usually don't wake up this early, I didn't know what to do with myself. Initially, I wanted to drive to my favorite coffee shop because a) I like coffee, b) I like some well-spent Jesus time, and c) I like coffee...But then I remembered that my mom was working this morning, which meant I had little brother duty and couldn't leave the house.

But, I couldn't just sit there and do nothing. I'm the type of person who likes to constantly be doing something that I feel is productive or well-spent time--which may or may not include hours of netflix…guilty! Anywho, I decided I would take my dog on a nice little morning walk, because then I could take a cool picture of the sun coming up over the fields and post it on instagram. My dog gets a walk and I have something to post, so its a win-win right?

Do you ever go to hang out with someone and regardless of whether or not you're actually enjoying your time together, you are more worried about taking a picture to post and show the social media world that you are having fun? I am 110% guilty of this. One of my favorite, and also most convicting statements I've heard lately is, "If you didn't post a picture of it, then did it even actually happen?!" It's obviously an over-dramatized statement, but it poses a valid point.

I'm not saying that posting a picture of you having fun with your friends is bad, by any means. What I am saying, is what's the motive behind it? If I'm completely honest with myself, 80% of the time I'm not posting a picture because I'm just truly, genuinely having fun with my friends. Most of the time, it's because I look good in that picture, or I want so-and-so to see it, or my favorite one: It will look like I actually hang out with people! Ouch, when I reread this paragraph, I'm pretty disappointed in myself.

Our generation has a tool that no other generation has had before, that can reach thousands of people and go viral in an instant. But what do we choose to post on it? Man crush mondays, transformation tuesdays, woman crush wednesdays, throwback thursdays, flashback fridays, outfit of the days, selfie sundays, sub-tweets, and the list goes on. Theres a common tweet that has been circulating twitter lately that reads:

This tweet has circulated around so much, because of how true it is. The amount of value and self-esteem we find in social media is unbelievable--whether it's how many likes my picture can get, how many favorites or retweets my tweets get, how many followers I have, how many friends I have, how many responses and comments I receive on my blog, or as silly as it is, whether or not the guy I like posts a woman crush wednesday of me.  

Once again, it is not wrong to post and share things, and be flattered by the response that you receive; It's when our value, confidence, and worth is found in what we post. Out of curiosity, I googled the top hashtags of 2014 so far, and this is what came up:

I wish I could say that I was surprised to find that most of the top hashtags were attempts of vying for attention. Unfortunately, I wasn't shocked to say the least. 

As the tweet above says, If we really don't want our own children to find their value in social media, when are we going to do something to change it? 

It's All About Perspective.

I am currently lying awake in bed at 5 am. I went to sleep just 4 short hours ago, until I was rudely awakened by terribly itchy eyes and a nose that I can hardly breathe out of due to allergies. My first reaction was to open my twitter feed and complain to the still-asleep world that I was awake at 5 am because of my stupid allergies. Why do we even have allergies anyways? What is the point in sneezing 10 times in a row and not being able to go out on a summer night without taking a hundred doses of allergy medicine? Why can't I just sleep through the night like any other normal person?

So I complained. I tweeted, "I'm really excited to be in Canada for a month because my allergies won't wake me up at 5 AM." I have the opportunity to serve at the most beautiful camp facility that I have ever seen, surrounded by breath-taking mountains, green everest forests, and whales coming up through the water. I have the opportunity to serve and grow with 45 other high school students from all over the nation for an entire month and be completely isolated from cell phones and social media. I have the opportunity to give a small amount of time focused on serving God and serving others at a place where thousands have come to know Christ. I have the opportunity to be grown and challenged like I never have been before, and I wrote that I'M EXCITED BECAUSE MY ALLERGIES WON'T WAKE ME UP AT 5 AM. 

Talk about feeling like an idiot. Not to mention, I didn't think through the fact that I will probably be awake at 5 am anyways--riddle me that one.

As if I didn't feel selfish and stupid enough already, that's when God decided to really clear up any confusion and remind me that earlier today, I learned that a student in my grade, and also son of a beloved staff member, was diagnosed with leukemia.

Let me reiterate that.

I'm sitting here throwing a pity party for myself and complaining about my "terrible, miserable life" because I didn't get my desired 9 hours of sleep, when a fellow student of mine is facing life-changing and possibly life-threatening circumstances.

Sometimes, it's important to take a minute and realize how truly blessed we are. Sometimes all it takes is  one moment of asking: What can I be thankful for in this moment? My annoying allergies and lack of sleep are two very unimportant issues in comparison to the countless reasons that I have to be thankful.
Along with trusting in God and His plan for our lives through the midst of ongoing tragedy around us, we should be praising Him and thanking Him! Once we realize how minuscule our own problems are, we are given the opportunity to begin to pray for those who are facing far more difficult circumstances.

Life is all about the perspective you choose to face it with.

No Turning Back

As this crazy world goes on, it seems that each and every day, a new tragedy strikes. Innocent people are murdered, children are abducted, women are sold into slavery, shootings are occurring, cancer is striking, sickness is spreading, families are breaking, and on and on and on. Tragedies are occurring every day, and with every single one, they are only growing closer and closer to hitting home.

But the real question is, what do we do about all of this?

About a week ago, our family was in a car accident. We were driving down the freeway when a lady suddenly veered into our car for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Our airbags deployed, and we went screeching off to the side of the freeway. My mother was driving, and directly behind her was my 8 year old brother. This was also the side that had been forcefully slammed into by the other vehicle. Thankfully, we were all able to walk away with no injuries. But it was in this moment that I was reminded how precious life is. The thought of losing my 8 year old brother, or any of my family members, brought me to tears. For the rest of the night, it didn't matter what happened. We didn't care where we went for dinner, we didn't argue about what movie to watch, we let the dog jump up on the couch (which he is usually NOT allowed to do), and we didn't care. You know why? Because we had been unpleasantly reminded of what is important in life. Family, friends, relationships, time spent together loving on people--that's what becomes important.

Today, there was a shooting at Seattle Pacific University, the school where my dear friend and also my sister attend. 4 students were shot in a place that is supposed to be safe--a place where there are thousands of young beautiful adults with bright futures ahead of them. My first thought was, who on earth would do such a thing. I read news reports and talked to my friend and sister, praising God that they were safe. I was sick to my stomach, feeling empathy for the families of those who lost loved ones today. But also sickened at the thought that someone would ever do such a thing.

I eventually moved on with my night and went to a friend's birthday party. When I came home, I took my dog out for our usual walk along the canal--we live on a lane in the country surrounded by farming fields. Before I left the house, my mom said something unusual to me, "Be careful."

I turned on my Worship Playlist and began to reflect. But as I was walking, my mom's words of, "Be careful," for some reason kept ringing in my head. She never tells me to be careful when I head out to walk the dog. Fear instilled within my mind and i began to think of all of the terrible things that have been happening in this world lately. I kept turning back to make sure that no one was behind a bush waiting to attack me. I was walking in my safe neighborhood along the tranquil, peaceful canal, and I was afraid that someone was going to attack me. I was afraid that some sort of harm would come my way because of the recent shooting. I was afraid because I had realized that anything can happen anywhere, no matter how safe we think it is. That's when the song I was listening to, "Christ is Enough", caught my attention.

In the bridge of the song it says:
The world behind me, 
The cross before me,
No turning back
No turning back

That's when I realized that my fear was absolutely RIDICULOUS. Why would I be afraid of this world when I have the cross before me? Why would I feel unprotected when I have my God on my side? Why should I live my life in fear when I know that at the end of my life--whenever it may be--I will be praising God with the angels in Heaven. The world is behind me, and the cross is before me.

No turning back, no turning back. I will not turn back because I know that my God is before me and has a plan for my life.

That's when it hit me:

What if God allows all of this tragedy to strike so that in the end, it will bring us closer to Him, forcing us to rely on Him alone. What if God allows all of this tragedy to strike so that in the end, we will go out and do work for His kingdom. What if God allows all of this tragedy to strike so that we will realize how precious life is and forget our own petty agendas. What if God allows all of this tragedy to strike so that He can make good out of the bad.

What if at the end of the day, all He wants to hear us say is:
Through every trial my soul will sing,
Jesus is here, to God be the glory.
Christ is enough for me,
Christ is enough for me,
Everything I need is in You
Everything I need. 

Eggs Benedict

As the school year comes to an end, I have found myself thinking. Each year, I look back and say, "Wow... That went by even faster than the previous year." Every year I realize that I am quickly losing precious time and memories as I am near to making my way into the next chapter of life. And each year, I realize that God teaches me a new lesson. This past school year has held some of the best memories I will probably have of high school, yet also some of the worst. I started off the year with a bang; great friends and great times overruled my life. I was excited every day for lunch or for the weekend because I always had so much fun. I had a sleepover every weekend and lived my life constantly with my friends. When I realized that things were starting to change, I began to stir up confusion and anger. I looked to God and asked Him why He would take my wellspring of life from me. I was so happy with my life and looked forward to every day, and I did not want that to change. People are my source of happiness, joy, and laughter. When I'm left alone for a day, my energy is drained and low. If I could spend my whole life just hanging out with people I enjoy being around all the time, I would do it, and I would be extremely content with it. My mother has always told me that even as I was a child, she knew and saw that I was the type of girl who always wanted to have her best friend by her side. I was afraid to walk alone, to eat alone, to do anything alone.
This year compared to any other year has been the biggest challenge I have faced for that very reason. Through this year, I have learned to have to walk alone, to face situations alone, to be my own person. God purposefully took away the people in my life to teach me and mend me into being the person He wants me to be. The process is still continuing, but looking at my progress from even just months ago, I see a whole new person inside of myself. I used to be afraid to speak my opinions, to disappoint and/or not please people. Through my forced independence I have had to learn to say what I'm feeling, realize that not everyone is always going to like me or be pleased, and find my new best friend.
By finding my new best friend, I am not talking about searching for another person to try to fill the gap that God placed in my life, I am talking about the true and only best friend I will forever and always have.
Earlier I said that the wellspring of my life was my friends and my social life, but lately I have realized there is a significant issue with that statement. Shouldn't the center and joy of my life be the hope I have in Christ? Shouldn't my fulfillment come from knowing that I have a God who is working for me, by my side, ready to answer and listen to my every thought and need? It wasn't until this year that I realized God is the ultimate best friend. He cannot compare to any human relationship that we are capable of having.
In not having a close group of friends or anyone to surround myself with, I had to find the confidence in myself to conquer the day on my own. I had to look to God for the reassurance that I would typically find in my friends. Most of all, God has shown me that if I had not been challenged and stretched, I would not be able to have the positions that I do. A little over a year ago, nobody knew I played piano and sang in my freetime. Through God''s process of stretching me, I am now able to stand on my schools stage every week and lead my entire school in worshipping Him. Yes, I have stage fright, yes it gives me anxiety sometimes, yes it can be stressful... But you know what? God allows me to overcome ALL of those obstacles. It is through this year that God has taught me that the most difficult, uncomfortable, and lonely times, are the times when he is preparing to use you more than ever.
I don't say any of this to make you think that I am this amazing Godly girl who doesn't need anything in her life but Jesus. I still need and desire friends and companionship just as much as the next person. What I do know, is that I am most likely not the only person who ever has and will face this situation, and what I do know is that a little encouragement can go a long way. So here is my encouragement to you, whether you are facing a similar situation or questioning if God is even at work in your life. Sometimes the greatest times of trial and loneliness lead to the greatest times of joy and fulfillment.

P.s. I named this blog eggs Benedict because that is what I am currently eating and it is delicious. Do not be confused, I have some random ideas sometimes.