Circumstances, Control, & Confrontation

Disclaimer: This is another Spiritual Jesus post.
Life is busy. Life is crazy. Life is full of excuses. Lately, I have allowed myself to use my "business" as an excuse to push God aside. While sitting in church this Sunday, I was listening to the typical salvation message of the gospel--which I have heard a million times, as I have grown up in a completely Christian environment all my life. As the pastor was talking about having a relationship instead of following a religion, it hit me hard that recently, I had been doing great in my religion with God, but absolutely horrendous in my relationship with God. I asked God to challenge me and to place desire for Him in my soul. Of course, you know it is going to be trouble and trials whenever you present God with a request like that. And that's exactly what this week has been.

I have always been known to be terrible at handling conflict. I am the person who runs away and avoids any sort of tension or confrontation that is presented in front of me. This week I was placed in a situation where I was forced to be the one to confront. It was not fun and it definitely did not go well.

This year, I have been extremely blessed to be the assistant coach to my school's junior high volleyball team, which has been an absolutely amazing experience. I am blessed by the girls I coach daily and even by our head coach. One thing we have been recently focusing on is doing your best with the circumstances you have control over. We can't control other people and their reactions, but we can control how we act and respond. We can choose to put forth our best in every situation, and if it doesn't work out the way we wanted it to, then so be it. When we put our best foot forward and act in such a way that brings honor to God, then we have nothing to be upset about.

This philosophy could not ring any more true to me this week. Even though I was completely shut down and attacked, I put my best foot forward. I did everything I could possibly do to reconcile the situation and create peace. I chose to make the best of the circumstances that I could control. While I was thinking about this, I began to feel very proud of myself for overcoming my fears and anxieties, but then I realized that I didn't have anything to do with it. I remembered my cry to God and realized that it was Him who gave me the strength to do all of these things. He placed me in this situation so that I would be forced to rely on Him for strength and peace. Even now, I feel peace, even though the situation was not reconciled whatsoever. I have peace because I have God on my side. I have peace because I don't find my value in the words people tell me. I have peace because I know that there are far more important things in life. I have peace because I refuse to waste life being upset when I have such a short time to make an actual difference. I have peace because I will not let my poor circumstances determine how I react. I have peace because my soul now desires God and God alone.
Sometimes God just doesn't get enough credit for the things He does through us.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to FILL our HEARTS with LOVE."
-Romans 5:3-5

Choose Happiness.

As my summer is coming to an end, I have been thinking a lot... Who am I kidding, I think a lot on a normal basis. But lately, I had been reflecting on this summer and had come to the conclusion that it was my least favorite summer so far. Sure, I've gone on family vacation, retreats, and Young Life camp, which I had an absolute blast at. But the minute I got home, I found myself unhappy.                  
Why? We all have different personality types. Some people are more than happy sitting at home reading a good book and hanging out alone. Others of us are always busy with sports and looking for the next thing to occupy ourselves. I fall into the category of the extraverts. I thrive on people and relationships. If I go too long without talking to anyone, I start to become depressed. I love to hangout with people, laugh, and have a good time, but most important to me, is having someone there that I can count on. I need that one person that I know I can always rely on and share anything with. I need my best friend.
You see, the issue with this summer is I have lost that. As relationships go on and progress, they get harder to maintain. Personalities eventually clash. Differences eventually cause division. Annoyances turn into atrocities. We grow apart from the people in our lives that we think make us happy. This is one of the main reasons I feel that I have had a bad summer.
While discussing this with my family, my sister brought up a great point, and what I think to be the solution of life itself. That solution seems simple, but can actually be quite difficult until you find how to fulfill it. It is, find what makes YOU happy and do it. Regardless of the circumstances you're living in and whatever may be going on in life, moping around and having a bad attitude is not going to make it any better.
I have learned that the hard way this summer, as I've looked back, I have realize that I chose to let myself be unhappy. Yes, maybe I didn't have great friends and great relationships or something special to look forward to, but that gives me absolutely no reason to be unhappy. My sister brought up the point that no matter where you are in life, there is always going to be something wrong. There is always going to be something that could have gone better. There is always going to be a circumstance that you wish you could change.
I think we, as the idealist people we are, always think, "once I get that one thing, then I will finally be happy!" Once I get the perfect boyfriend... Once I get the job... Once I go to college... Once I find the perfect husband... Whatever it may be, we think we are going to find happiness when we get it just right, but the unfortunate truth is this: we do not live in a perfect world where we all get our way and live happily ever after. That is, unless we choose to have the attitude that we are going to take whatever comes our way, make the best of the situation, and do what makes us happy. We cannot rely on other people or things to keep us happy because they are not constant and steady. We will always be let down. The most that we can do is choose happiness.

I am lovely.

I don't like thinking. I don't like quiet. I like to keep busy. You know why? Because I can avoid my feelings.

This week, I have been at the Oregon Coast with my family. This means a lot of napping, laying around, walking on the beach, and quiet time... Which for me, means lots of thinking. The main topic that I've been struggling with all week has been being alone. 

When I look at other people in my life, they all have their best friend, their boyfriend, or at least a person of interest. And then here am I, all alone. Of course when this thought comes to mind, I push it away and tell myself that I'm independent and I don't need anyone to make me happy. This is a true statement, but much easier said than done. 

While pondering this topic once again tonight, I was listening to a pandora station when a song came on that caught my attention. The lyrics read, "I feel lovely just the way that I am. I'm beautiful to me, doesn't that mean a thing." At first, I just thought to myself, "Wow... That's a really cool song. That's awesome that she has so much self respect." 

Then I bought the song and listened to it again. I noticed another statement that said, "I'm just little old me. But I'm still lovely just the way that I am." It finally hit me that I may be little, lonely me, but GOD sees ME as lovely. Just.the.way.i.am. That's something we don't stop and take time to think about too often. It was almost as if God was speaking directly to me through this song, saying, "My beautiful daughter, you are lovely. You are lovely because you have ME. And I am ALL that you need." 

I don't need a best friend or boyfriend, of something in my life to make me happy. What I NEED is a Father who will always, unconditionally, and eternally love me. No matter what. 

I'm enough for God and God is enough for me.