When people ask me how college is, I am often at a loss for words on how to respond. I usually muster up the typical, "It's great!", or if I am feeling a little less enthusiastic that day, your average, "it's good!" Why am I at a loss for words to respond, you ask? Because college has been many more things than just good and great. It has been challenging, difficult, fun, exciting, exhausting, exhilarating, frustrating, hilarious, and pretty much every adjective you can think of. For some reason, I--and probably many other high schools seniors--had painted a picture in my mind of what college would be like. It would be the place where I instantly meet my life-long best friends, it would be fun almost all the time, except for doing like an hour or two of homework a day, right? It would be "the best years of my life" as many people say. It would mean late night food runs, all nighters, netflix binging, "adventures", and crazy, good times...right? Well actually, (and I'm sorry to burst your bubble if you are a high school senior and still believe this) college is much more than that. And it is often times not that. Though there are many fun times--including the "Just Dance" party I had with my friends about an hour ago to take a break from studying--but, there are also challenging times.
When I finished high school, I had become a person who was known. Attending a school of only 400 or so students, being known was not very hard to accomplish. But by the time I was a senior, I had become very well known. I was on student council, led worship for chapel, and had just about every teacher in the entire school. I was outgoing and loud, always screaming/yelling/cheering more than I should have at school sporting events. This meant that any time I walked through a hallway and passed someone, I not only knew them, but they knew me. Anytime my name was mentioned, no one wondered, "wait, who is that again?"
I had gotten used to my status in life, by worldly standards.
However, stepping into college changed this. I knew this would happen, as I decided to go to NNU in a single day, and didn't know a soul. However, I figured I would easily climb back up my ladder of leadership, success, and importance in just a few months and have the same status as I did in high school. When I realized I went to a school of over 2,000 people, was a lowly freshman again, and now knew only a few handfuls of people, I knew this wouldn't be as easy as I thought. I auditioned for worship team which I have the privilege of participating in about every other week. I absolutely love leading worship and am thankful for my abilities to play piano and use the talents God has given me to bring Him glory, but I am going to be honest with you...a little voice in the back of my head said, "Yeah that's great and all, and you should definitely do worship...but also, if you are up on stage, then certainly people will know you then!"...pretty pathetic, right? After my first few times leading songs, people approached me and complimented me, or asked who I was. But I realized that still wasn't going to be enough to become known (in my sense of the word) by the entire school and faculty like I had been at my previous school. Press pause on that story for a minute.
In January of this year, I attended a new church service with my then, "friend", and now, wonderful boyfriend. I was nervous beyond belief as I wanted to do everything in my power to impress him. I was so nervous that I could hardly stand and sing during worship without trembling and worrying about how good or bad my voice sounded, or how "worshipful" my posture looked. (I know, I know, I am completely ridiculous, I am very aware of that). While I continued to have what some would label "a nervous/anxious wreck", the worship leader began a song called, "Good, Good Father". At this church, they sang some songs I didn't know, but most of them were familiar and engrained in my mind. When this new song came on, I instantly began to feel a little less nervous. As the verses began I started to reflect on the words. "You're a good, good father. It's who you are; it's who you are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am; it's who I am." I began to feel at peace as I continued to sing. From that day, this song has been one of my favorites.
When I started NNU, I had many moments of fear and doubt. I had uprooted my previous plans in order to follow where God had called me to go, but other than that, I had pretty much no friends, no direction, and no idea what I was supposed to do at NNU. Often times, when I was praying, I found myself continually coming back to this song. When I was at a loss for words to pray, I would begin singing,"You're a good, good father. It's who you are; it's who you are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am; it's who I am." Countless times, I have come back to this. No matter what my fears are, no matter how alone, confused, or disappointed I am feeling, God is a good, good father, and I am loved by Him.
It wasn't until just tonight that I realized there was so much more depth and meaning to this song that I was missing. For our weekly student-led service, we had a night of worship. If you know me, then you know that having an all-worship anything makes me happier than happy gets...especially in the midst of dreading finishing this semester and hoping Christmas would come already! The leader began playing, and on the projector, the lyrics to "Good, Good Father" appeared. I had to physically hold myself back from shouting a "YES!" of exclamation that my favorite song was being played to begin the evening of worship. I began singing with a happy heart, not spending much time to reflect on the lyrics, as I already had them fully memorized. Afterwards, we sang many other songs that I also love. Through these songs, I was praying to God that he would refresh my weary soul that wanted to give up....my discouraged attitude that still felt a struggle to find a niche at NNU...my fearful heart of feeling this way the rest of college...my wandering mind picturing what college may have been like if I attended SPU...Then, the student ministry leader got up to pray, and requested that we sing, "Good, Good Father" one more time. She said something along the lines of, "I just really feel God pressing on the meaning of this song, and I would really like for us to sing it again and reflect on it." At that moment, I knew God was about give me a response.
"Oh and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide. But I know, we're all searching for answers, only you provide. Cause you know just what we need before we say a word."
As we sang again, it came to me that my feeling of invisibility, my desire to be known, my need for approval from others, didn't matter. "You're a good, good father. It's who you are; it's who you are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am; it's who I am." I am not important because of my status. I am not defined by how involved I am in the choir, if people enjoy when I lead worship, who knows my name and who doesn't, or where I fit into NNU. I am defined by God's love for me. God is a good, good father, and I am loved by Him. It's who I am; it's who I am. I am not defined by the number of people who know my name. I am not defined by my leadership abilities.
I am defined as a person who is loved because of who I am--a child of God. Wow, doesn't that change things? Through the hard times, through the stressful times, through the questioning of my purpose and my identity, through the worry of my future, through my feelings of unimportance, through my deep desire to be known...I am loved because of who I am, and not because of what I have done or who thinks I am important.
Sure, college is "good", but you know what's better? Learning how you react in new situations, new challenges, and unknown identities. Sure, staying up until 3 AM decorating your door for Christmas is fun, but you know what's better? Waking up knowing that no matter what stresses or fears I have to face that day are taken care of, because I am loved no matter what. Sure, almost hitting a pedestrian in the somewhat sketchy city of Nampa while getting McDonald's at 11 because the food in the Dex was terrible, is exhilarating. But you know what's better? Thinking about the fact that people's praise, opinions, compliments, and criticism actually mean nothing to you.
College has been much different than I had expected, but oddly, in the best way possible. The fun and games become benchwarmers while the real, good stuff is found out on the field of hard questions, unknown futures, and undefined identities. It is the field where some of the best games are won, with the toughest rivalries of doubt and fear fighting against you, but the peace of God scoring the final touchdown. It is also the field where the rivalry is far ahead leaving little hope of winning, which sometimes just means that you put those benchwarmers and best friends in the game to get you through.
...Now this actually doesn't solve my problem because next time someone asks me, "How is college?" I am still not going to be able to explain exactly everything I have experienced in my 3 months of life here in good old Nampa, Idaho. But I can say, I am loved by the good, good father.
"Oh it's love so undeniable...I can hardly speak. Peace so unexplainable...I can hardly think, as you call me deeper still into love."
-"Good, Good Father"
