Semester 1: Good, Good Father.

When people ask me how college is, I am often at a loss for words on how to respond. I usually muster up the typical, "It's great!", or if I am feeling a little less enthusiastic that day, your average, "it's good!" Why am I at a loss for words to respond, you ask? Because college has been many more things than just good and great. It has been challenging, difficult, fun, exciting, exhausting, exhilarating, frustrating, hilarious, and pretty much every adjective you can think of. For some reason, I--and probably many other high schools seniors--had painted a picture in my mind of what college would be like. It would be the place where I instantly meet my life-long best friends, it would be fun almost all the time, except for doing like an hour or two of homework a day, right? It would be "the best years of my life" as many people say. It would mean late night food runs, all nighters, netflix binging, "adventures", and crazy, good times...right? Well actually, (and I'm sorry to burst your bubble if you are a high school senior and still believe this) college is much more than that. And it is often times not that. Though there are many fun times--including the "Just Dance" party I had with my friends about an hour ago to take a break from studying--but, there are also challenging times.

When I finished high school, I had become a person who was known. Attending a school of only 400 or so students, being known was not very hard to accomplish. But by the time I was a senior, I had become very well known. I was on student council, led worship for chapel, and had just about every teacher in the entire school. I was outgoing and loud, always screaming/yelling/cheering more than I should have at school sporting events. This meant that any time I walked through a hallway and passed someone, I not only knew them, but they knew me. Anytime my name was mentioned, no one wondered, "wait, who is that again?"

I had gotten used to my status in life, by worldly standards. 

However, stepping into college changed this. I knew this would happen, as I decided to go to NNU in a  single day, and didn't know a soul. However, I figured I would easily climb back up my ladder of leadership, success, and importance in just a few months and have the same status as I did in high school. When I realized I went to a school of over 2,000 people, was a lowly freshman again, and now knew only a few handfuls of people, I knew this wouldn't be as easy as I thought. I auditioned for worship team which I have the privilege of participating in about every other week. I absolutely love leading worship and am thankful for my abilities to play piano and use the talents God has given me to bring Him glory, but I am going to be honest with you...a little voice in the back of my head said, "Yeah that's great and all, and you should definitely do worship...but also, if you are up on stage, then certainly people will know you then!"...pretty pathetic, right? After my first few times leading songs, people approached me and complimented me, or asked who I was. But I realized that still wasn't going to be enough to become known (in my sense of the word) by the entire school and faculty like I had been at my previous school. Press pause on that story for a minute.

In January of this year, I attended a new church service with my then, "friend", and now, wonderful boyfriend. I was nervous beyond belief as I wanted to do everything in my power to impress him. I was so nervous that I could hardly stand and sing during worship without trembling and worrying about how good or bad my voice sounded, or how "worshipful" my posture looked. (I know, I know, I am completely ridiculous, I am very aware of that). While I continued to have what some would label "a nervous/anxious wreck", the worship leader began a song called, "Good, Good Father". At this church, they sang some songs I didn't know, but most of them were familiar and engrained in my mind. When this new song came on, I instantly began to feel a little less nervous. As the verses began I started to reflect on the words. "You're a good, good father. It's who you are; it's who you are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am; it's who I am." I began to feel at peace as I continued to sing. From that day, this song has been one of my favorites.

When I started NNU, I had many moments of fear and doubt. I had uprooted my previous plans in order to follow where God had called me to go, but other than that, I had pretty much no friends, no direction, and no idea what I was supposed to do at NNU. Often times, when I was praying, I found myself continually coming back to this song. When I was at a loss for words to pray, I would begin singing,"You're a good, good father. It's who you are; it's who you are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am; it's who I am." Countless times, I have come back to this. No matter what my fears are, no matter how alone, confused, or disappointed I am feeling, God is a good, good father, and I am loved by Him.

It wasn't until just tonight that I realized there was so much more depth and meaning to this song that I was missing. For our weekly student-led service, we had a night of worship. If you know me, then you know that having an all-worship anything makes me happier than happy gets...especially in the midst of dreading finishing this semester and hoping Christmas would come already! The leader began playing, and on the projector, the lyrics to "Good, Good Father" appeared. I had to physically hold myself back from shouting a "YES!" of exclamation that my favorite song was being played to begin the evening of worship. I began singing with a happy heart, not spending much time to reflect on the lyrics, as I already had them fully memorized. Afterwards, we sang many other songs that I also love.  Through these songs, I was praying to God that he would refresh my weary soul that wanted to give up....my discouraged attitude that still felt a struggle to find a niche at NNU...my fearful heart of feeling this way the rest of college...my wandering mind picturing what college may have been like if I attended SPU...Then, the student ministry leader got up to pray, and requested that we sing, "Good, Good Father" one more time. She said something along the lines of, "I just really feel God pressing on the meaning of this song, and I would really like for us to sing it again and reflect on it." At that moment, I knew God was about give me a response.

"Oh and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide. But I know, we're all searching for answers, only you provide. Cause you know just what we need before we say a word."

As we sang again, it came to me that my feeling of invisibility, my desire to be known, my need for approval from others, didn't matter. "You're a good, good father. It's who you are; it's who you are. And I'm loved by you. It's who I am; it's who I am." I am not important because of my status. I am not defined by how involved I am in the choir, if people enjoy when I lead worship, who knows my name and who doesn't, or where I fit into NNU. I am defined by God's love for me. God is a good, good father, and I am loved by Him. It's who I am; it's who I am.  I am not defined by the number of people who know my name. I am not defined by my leadership abilities.

I am defined as a person who is loved because of who I am--a child of God. Wow, doesn't that change things? Through the hard times, through the stressful times, through the questioning of my purpose and my identity, through the worry of my future, through my feelings of unimportance, through my deep desire to be known...I am loved because of who I am, and not because of what I have done or who thinks I am important.

Sure, college is "good", but you know what's better? Learning how you react in new situations, new challenges, and unknown identities. Sure, staying up until 3 AM decorating your door for Christmas is fun, but you know what's better? Waking up knowing that no matter what stresses or fears I have to face that day are taken care of, because I am loved no matter what. Sure, almost hitting a pedestrian in the somewhat sketchy city of Nampa while getting McDonald's at 11 because the food in the Dex was terrible, is exhilarating. But you know what's better? Thinking about the fact that people's praise, opinions, compliments, and criticism actually mean nothing to you.

College has been much different than I had expected, but oddly, in the best way possible. The fun and games become benchwarmers while the real, good stuff is found out on the field of hard questions, unknown futures, and undefined identities. It is the field where some of the best games are won, with the toughest rivalries of doubt and fear fighting against you, but the peace of God scoring the final touchdown. It is also the field where the rivalry is far ahead leaving little hope of winning, which sometimes just means that you put those benchwarmers and best friends in the game to get you through. 

...Now this actually doesn't solve my problem because next time someone asks me, "How is college?" I am still not going to be able to explain exactly everything I have experienced in my 3 months of life here in good old Nampa, Idaho. But I can say, I am loved by the good, good father.  

"Oh it's love so undeniable...I can hardly speak. Peace so unexplainable...I can hardly think, as you call me deeper still into love."

-"Good, Good Father"

Yes, I am a student at NNU!

Can I just begin by saying that God is absolutely amazing? Through these past few days of absolute chaos, the peace and assurance that He continually supplies me with is absolutely incredible. You may have noticed I have recently gone A-wall, or maybe you have already heard that I am going to NNU.

Here is the story behind it all.

If you know me, you know that I have been planning on going to Seattle Pacific University since high school began. I visited my sister, Kendra, countless times in Seattle and fell in love with it. The city, the atmosphere, the landscape, the adventure, and the opportunities available had me fully convinced that was the place for me. There were no questions, no doubts, no need to even look into other colleges, because I loved SPU!

In contrast, throughout my life, especially in recent years, I have absolutely resented NNU. To list just a few reasons why: my parents went there, the kids from my high school went there, it was close to home, and it was in Nampa (I mean come on, who even likes Nampa?!). Needless to say, I had a deeply predetermined idea of what NNU was and why I would never ever go. Words honestly do not explain how much I wanted nothing to do with NNU.  I was going to be the girl who went to college in a cool new city with independent coffee shops, concerts, and endless exploration. I was going to make my college experience an adventure.

Little did I know, the biggest adventure I could ever embark upon was only 11 miles from my house.

As college neared, my uneasiness grew. I know that nervousness and an emotional breakdown or two are totally normal when one is about to have a complete life change, but it was more than that. It was almost as if God was trying to tell me something. When I started to think about all of the things that I could still have if I stayed in the Boise area for college, I realized that NNU may be an option that I needed to look into. My family, an amazing boyfriend that I can't imagine life without, a 9 year old brother, amongst many other things were a few things I could still have if I stayed. This is when I first started an application to NNU. Once I calmed down, I knew that this decision was emotionally driven and I decided not to finish my application. I knew I was only afraid for the life change I was about to face and that SPU was still the place for me.

A couple weeks later, I had one of the same breakdowns which led me to finish and submit my application to NNU. My parents supported the idea of me being nearby but, they dismissed it, thinking that I would not receive any scholarships comparable to the ones I had received at SPU a week before school started. I also had a discussion with my boyfriend who said he would not allow me to stay here and give up my forever dream of going to SPU, as sad that he is to see me go. I had once again been reassured that I needed to go to SPU and that everything was okay.

A week later, my mom received a phone call from an admissions counselor at NNU offering me an even larger scholarship than the one I had at SPU and the door for my entrance into NNU was swung wide open. 

When my parents told me the news, I was angry. I was finally okay with the fact that I was going to SPU no matter how hard it would be or how uneasy I was. Then, this was thrown at me and I was confronted with a choice. I thought about it, but it was still NNU. NNU, the school I would never go to. Finally, I began to open up to the idea when I was again reminded of the things I wouldn't have to lose if I was here. I agreed to tour campus to at least get a feel for the school and see if it was right for me. I walked around large brick buildings while listening to an overly energetic admissions counselor talk about how great NNU was. I cried in front of her AND the chair of the business department as I explained how torn and lost I was.

Even after seeing campus, I still could not picture myself at NNU. I was too prideful to go to the little nazarene school in Nampa. I was too stubborn to let myself give up SPU. I was too embarrassed to tell all of my family and friends that I was attending school at the one place I have always resented. That evening, I went to dinner with my boyfriend and his extremely wise parents. I was presented with questions like, "What are the reasons you want to go to SPU?" and, "Where do you think your faith will grow the most?" Instead of being convinced as to why NNU would be great for me or why SPU would be hard for me, I was being asked what reasons I was choosing a college for. This hit me hard when I began to realize that statements like, "It's in a really cool city with fun areas and things to do," were completely invalid reasons to choose a college. Through this conversation, I was once again convinced to at least give NNU another chance. The next day was move-in day for freshmen. I wasn't sure what I was going to do while hundreds of students with all of their belongings arrived at college and I was directionless, but I went anyways.

I met the RA for the wing of the dorm I would live in if I chose to go to NNU. She was kind and friendly as I cried to her and told her I didn't know where I needed to be. She told me I should walk around campus, talk to a few students, and get a feel for what it was like. I surely wasn't going to talk to any students, but I decided to at least walk around campus. I ended up sitting on a rock outside of the Brandt Center asking God to give me direction. I needed him to either give me a reason to be at NNU or a reason to stay with SPU, and I needed him to make it crystal clear. 

That's when an elderly, 85 year old woman by the name of Telva approached me. 

She asked if I was a student, which led to my (once again) tear-filled explanation of how lost and confused I was. We continued to talk as she mentioned mutual friends and connections that we had. She filled me with unexplainable peace and encouragement. I cannot even recall everything that was said in that conversation, but what I do know, is God sent me His sign. Of course, I was expecting maybe someone to befriend me or an admissions counselor to talk to me. But I never thought in my wildest dreams that God would use an 85 year old woman to speak to me, and that made it even better than I could have imagined. It turns out, her son had just convinced her to volunteer for move in day the previous week ... the same week that I applied to NNU. God had no intention for an elderly woman of 4 feet 5 inches tall to help people move in that day. God had an intention for an elderly woman of 4 feet 5 inches tall to tell me that NNU was the place I needed to be. No matter how hard I fought against it, no matter how large my pride was, no matter how embarrassed I am to admit that I am attending the school I forever disliked, God pursued me relentlessly.

Doors kept swinging wide open throughout that day. 

My sweet Telva walked back into the admissions center after our conversation, and a few minutes later walked back out with the head of the music department. I had told her of my interest in choir and worship, and the director just happened to be standing right in the doorway when she returned. Not only did he speak to me and tell me that I needed to audition, he gave me no choice and set up an audition time for later that day. Once again, God came straight into my face and told me this was where I needed to be. I then visited the girls dorm and cried to all of the RA's explaining my interaction with Telva. The love I felt from the complete strangers around me was overwhelming. Needless to say, many, many tears were shed that day. They weren't tears of confusion or sadness. They were tears of joy and relief that I knew for certain that NNU was where God wanted me to be.

If I didn't know any better, I would say God sent me an angel that day. However, Telva left me a box of cookies and an encouraging note at my dorm door yesterday, so I am beginning to believe that she is pretty real :) The craziest part is that in every moment that I begin to question if this is the right decision or begin to feel afraid, God encourages me. Through random strangers in Target raving about NNU to me, to an unexpected text from a cousin, he has continually, time and time again reassured me in ways I didn't even know were possible. I always wondered how people really, truly know that something is "God's will," for them, but now, I can say I have experienced it in my own life. My world has been turned upside down since four days ago, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Never have I felt so certain that God was speaking directly into my life and using His people to break down my pride and show me what I need to see. Now, NNU isn't just a set of buildings or a school or a religious university in Nampa, Idaho; NNU is a place that God has specifically called me to. I may still think Seattle would be a cool place to live and I may still be shocked that I am actually an NNU student, but I'm pretty certain there is no better place to be than abiding in His will. Welcome home He says, welcome home. 

God is so good. So so so SO GOOD!